The very first question, which inevitably rises with regards to children and their age, concerns children’s confession. The number of such questions exceeds the number of questions about any other subjects. And I am rather happy about that, as I just follow other prominent priests and their opinion on this matter. There is a useful article by Archpriest Maxim Kozlov[1] that allows me not to repeat what has already been said (truthfully, it goes without saying) by Father Maxim, but to add a few examples from my own experience.

First of all, it should be noted that the question of adult confession is also rather problematic. There are various opinions and approaches to confession, some of which contradict others, but the main problem remains. It is a problem of getting too used to confessions and not regarding it as one of the sacraments. This concerns both adults and children. Therefore, there is a certain point up to which we can teach children how to confess. However, children often teach us how to confess our sins. Often, during children’s confession a priest thinks to himself: “That is how it should be done, not like we do it…” Some children and their confessions remain in the priest’s memory for his whole life. The confessor has already grown up and become first an adolescent, then a man, but I still look at him and recall the sincerity and completeness of his early confessions. I have to say that if a person used to confess like this in his childhood, then he is very likely to grow into a real Christian. And I often look at those children and think of a difficult path of life ahead of them. It is worth noting that such little confessors almost always come from the families with usual “traditional” mistakes in the upbringing of their children and those children start their confessions with the names of sins memorized with the help of their mother.

How does it all start? First, many children play at going to confession, imitating their parents. I don’t see any reason to prohibit them from doing so. Of course, it is important for a priest to be considerate of the age of the confessors. A priest should not regard a child’s confession in the same way he regards a confession of an adult person. However, there is a fine line that should not be crossed. A child has the right to remain a child but an adult must remember that he is a grown up while talking to a child about confession.

What should priests do in order not to repel or scare children from confessions? The main problem is lack of time. How is it possible to listen carefully to a little child when there is a long queue of other people behind? Perhaps we need a special “children’s” priest in a special children’s room, In that case this room should be separated from the rest of the church by a screen, so that children would not disturb each other’s confession, or laugh, or eavesdrop and tease each other afterwards. There are priests who are well suited to working with children, and children always love and respect them, although their parents don’t always approve.[2] However, priests have various approaches. Some prefer not to talk to a child during the confession but just to listen to him speak. Nevertheless, I think a priest should talk to little confessors. It will definitely help to delay the time when children start regarding confession as a mere formality. Of course there is a danger of getting too personally involved, which might impede children’s honesty and sincerity in front of the priest during confession. It is especially important to talk to children who did not play at confession when they were little and now are afraid of going to their first confessions.

It is necessary that a child who plays at confession would gradually learn how to go to real confessions. The main aspect of confession is an understanding that God knows everything, and is aware of everything. This should help a child to be honest and sincere. Ideally, confessions should become a need for one’s soul. Unfortunately, sometimes it is difficult to stop women, i.e. mothers and grandmothers who most often look after children, from treating grown up children like infants, so that children carry on playing at confessions, trying to please them.

The majority of questions asked by parents are about how to teach children to go to confessions and pray, how often should they be brought to church and take Holy Communion, and how to prepare them for Holy Communion. There is no simple answer to all these questions. However, there is no complex answer either. It is simply a very serious matter. It is impossible to compile a handbook or a manual for all sorts of situations. Our life is far more complex. It is crucial for parents to acquire the real spirit of Christianity and to understand that raising a child is a creative work between the parents and God. We are raising a feeble living seedling, and any ideological abuse will do serious harm to it. It is easier for children to imitate adults. Children learn quickly what parents want them to do and start doing it in appearance but not in their hearts. In every situation we should seek an answer from God, perhaps through a priest or otherwise.

When raising a child, we raise ourselves, as this is one of the means to salvation. That is why there is always a sacrifice (of course, it should be a reasonable sacrifice). Every earthly ambition should give way to spiritual treasures and to the main ambition – to cultivate a spiritual seedling in the child’s heart. That is why I would not recommend protecting children entirely from life’s discomfort and trouble. There is no point in doing so, as those troubles and earthly temptations will get to your child sooner or later. We should teach our children to fight it, even if they are to be defeated first. And Holy Communion should become their main weapon in this fight. The only thing we should try to protect our children from is something extremely dangerous and perilous, and we should do it in a sensible way as well. I can agree with Mrs Koulomzina, who wrote that raising children is a fight of their parents with passions, which cannot yet be fought by children themselves.[3] I can also assert that proper parenting is much more important than education, as the latter is just a tool for good parenting.

The way of raising a child is of course directly related to the child’s personality, the family itself, as well as the social life of the child – school, friends, and hobbies. That is why I have to talk about different types of Orthodox families and the relationships between the members of those families. I will not talk about ideal families, as it is highly unrealistic and might be very disheartening. I will try to stay practical as well as rather pragmatic in the following.

The first type of family, which I encountered in my own youth, is the so-called “medieval” type. Some people might even call it “totalitarian” or “autocratic”. This type is described in the Bible, for example, in the text of the Epistle for the marriage ceremony (Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands…).

Such families are a rare case nowadays. Modern society raises people who are unable to build a family in this particular way. However, I knew families organised according to this model. They were priests’ families and one would expect them to be conservative. They still follow the long-lived traditions of the conservative upbringing, which used to be a desirable standard for lay people. 

The holy Fathers wrote rather little about families, as back then this traditional type of family was widespread and did not need a great deal of attention. Medieval families resembled monasteries, medieval guilds or any other medieval isolated group of people. There was a strict hierarchy in families, just as in the rest of the medieval world. Husbands/fathers were in charge, bearing all sorts of responsibilities. Wives lived in obedience to their husbands, living in a way very similar to monastic rules, as, according to the teachings of the holy Fathers, women would be saved through their obedience. It should be noted that this “medieval” type of family implies having a great deal of children (not just one or two). It was necessary for sustaining that narrow, restricted circle of people and making it viable. The relationships between parents and children involved a great deal of obedience on the children’s part, although love and respect were more important than anything. It has to be added that this model works only for religious-minded families and is based on an unconditional love for God (I cannot go into greater detail here).

In any case, if such family exists now then one can say that it is very different from the modern world. Therefore, these families are often excluded from the modern world, which has a great impact on the social position of their children. These families follow rather different rules when it comes to raising their children, and what I do not recommend for “regular” children, can be successfully done with children from the so-called “medieval” families. For example, forcing children to do certain things is regarded as something normal and is accepted by all members of the family. They can use the recommendations of the holy Fathers regarding children’s fasting as well as preparing children for Holy Communion as if they were adults. In these families younger children naturally imitate older ones, but it does not ruin their attitude towards the sacraments. Unfortunately, children from this type of family often cannot socially adapt to the modern world and are often intimidated by it. They prefer to stay within the clerical circle.

However, I would not advise newly married couples to aspire to “medieval” families. It is almost impossible to build such family from scratch. There is a great danger of faking it, which will inevitably lead to traumas and casualties, just like in a real war. Unfortunately, people sometimes try to enforce “medieval” rules on their modern-minded families. This often results in various distortions within the family and even in a complete loss of faith, once children reach adolescence or even sooner. This fake “medieval” order can often cause a total collapse of the family.

Now let us talk about the more frequent types of modern families. It is obvious that the medieval rules cannot be applied to our society; they do not work any longer. Whatever criteria one chooses for classifying modern families, one has to admit that all those families lack something, although they display a great deal of democracy, just like the modern world. Indeed, there is a strong connection between our life and the time we live in. Families simply adapt the same standards of life as the rest of secular society. One can only hope that the traditions of Christianity will be continued.

Families based on the equality of all family members (the so-called “non-hierarchic” families) give a great deal of independence to a child, just as the parents are independent from each other, which is copied from the idea of secular society. Raising a child in such a family requires much more skilful and delicate work, especially in the religious part of life. One cannot use any force to make a child do things, as the modern world regards this situation as strictly negative and unacceptable. And children think about such methods accordingly. On the bright side, these families are easily adaptable and their children do not normally have problems with adjusting to the real world. If children have been successfully raised in the Christian faith, then in this case a child inevitably develops the potential to defend his faith . I would even call this an apologetic quality (see below).

The most difficult years for children from modern families are their teens. This awkward period starts at the age of 14 for boys, even earlier for girls, and lasts for a good few years. The main characteristic of this period is the process of realisation of their independence and self-sufficiency. However, it is often accompanied by search for new authority in the “outside” world.

The trouble begins when a child goes to school. That is when everything changes. Children acquire new friends, new duties, and new interests. Children realize a thing or two about freedom and start fighting for it. That leads to breaking up with their families. They often respect other people more than they respect their own family members. Children start to fight for their position in society, and that society casts a spell on children. They adopt the rules and norms of the society they live in, they seek approval and acceptance, they want to belong there. That is why it is very important that the first circle of people where your children find themselves is proper and similar to your own family standards. I always support parents in their efforts to put their children into church-oriented schools, even though the educational standards there are often quite low. Of course studying at those schools does not guarantee anything; one still has to take part personally in the child’s upbringing. First, even those church-oriented schools are not perfect or trouble-free. Second, children will eventually come across the temptations of the real world. Special schools just postpone this encounter. Therefore our real goal is to teach children to resist worldly temptations and to be free in a real, true sense.

How can we teach children to remain Christian in a non-Christian society, where they will find themselves sooner or later? It is often advisable to raise an individual in the best meaning of the word, a person who is capable of resisting the influence of society, who is not afraid to withstand and not to be enslaved by the rules of others. In other words, we need to do our best to raise a confessor, at least in certain things. Otherwise, we will have to say goodbye to our own child. Mind you, your family should be the cradle of raising such a confessor. That is why it is necessary to abandon any ideas about “peaceful” parenting. You will have to turn your family into a model of society, so that your child can learn how to act and survive in it. Sometimes you might have to challenge him, even to push him around a bit, sometimes to give way, sometimes to defeat. As Paulo Coelho said, a wise teacher always gives his student a chance to fight with him and learn from it.[4]

If we are talking about the first type of families, they sometimes manage to control the conflicts of the awkward age. In that case, a father (not a mother) deliberately and responsibly starts a conflict with his child and then controls that conflict, so that the child can learn something that cannot be learnt by any other, more “peaceful” means. In this situation parental boldness and fearlessness are key. Normally, teenagers often argue with their parents anyway. It is a hallmark of their advancement and independence. The parents are often afraid of having an argument and try hard to maintain “peace”. However, this is a false peace. If a parent initiates a conflict, then the son normally takes the opposite side, so that one knows what to expect and can hold it under control. This way, parents manage to keep their authority. I advise you to keep your authority in the aforementioned way – by kindling a reasonable conflict and creating a distance between you and your child. I think that you will be more respected if you are not completely available at all times. However, I cannot recommend this method for families of other types.

In any case, parenting is a constant fight for being an authority for a child. It is fitting, if a child finds a new authority within the bigger Orthodox circle. It is even better, if a priest becomes his spiritual adviser. In fact, anyone from the Orthodox circle can be of great help, for example, a sports coach, a schoolteacher, or a social worker. Only very few children are capable of being independent – most of them need help. That is why having the right authority is so important. It will help to protect children from the bad influence of society.

Now let me go back to our original topic of children’s confessions and Holy Communion. It goes without saying that at this stage teenagers should decide for themselves whether or not to take part in the sacraments. It is an option of their freedom and independence. This is very important, as they can refuse to take Holy Communion otherwise. There is no point in reasoning with a child at this age; the only way to make it work is to set your own example and to show how to be free in truth. Do not forget that you have to be subtle in your ways of sharing your experience, as teenagers are ready yet to accept ready-made decisions and to take your word for it.

As for conservative families, sometimes forcing a child to do certain things helps. In any case, those families have no issues with going to confession and taking Holy Communion, as well as fasting and praying (both in church and at home). These are all part of their every day lives. It does not mean that they disregard sacraments as something routine and trite; on the contrary, they live in agreement with their lifestyle. The spiritual development of people is related to the spiritual life of their families as small-scale copies of the Church. However, it is a rare case.

In any other situation, forcing children to do certain things is highly disastrous. Unfortunately, mothers are too afraid that their children will leave the Church. They think that taking Holy Communion regularly will guarantee that their children stay at Church. That is why they insist on their children going to church and taking Holy Communion, regardless of their children’s will. Of course children sense this attitude, which provokes them to resist and refuse to go to church at all. This inevitably results in the child’s leaving the Church. Every priest keeps reminding people of how important it is to be brave when raising a child, and that fathers play an absolutely crucial role in it.

To conclude this article, I would like to say a few words about the main factor of parenting. Children always become similar to their parents in almost everything, especially their spiritual world. That is why your own spiritual health and well being, the true Christian spirit of both parents, their religious zeal and Christian love and solidarity, are key. The foundation of our souls is built up by various educational situations, but the most important part of it is mysteriously formed through being connected to our families. The sacraments of confession and Holy Communion have a great impact on the spiritual formation of our souls.[5] Taking part in these sacraments unites children with their parents and becomes a solid foundation for their future companionship, as well as the continuation of the Christian life.