In our church the number of children receiving Holy Communion often exceeds the number of adults because there are a lot of children in the neighbourhood. At first, a priest is excited to see so many children in the church. Then he has to deal with some practical issues, such as taking pictures, putting them up on a notice board, showing the notice board to the archbishop and so forth. However, there are a great deal of unanswered questions about children and Holy Communion. As a first step towards finding answers to those questions, it would be helpful to discuss them in detail.

The main question is: What will work? We know a great many stories about children in parish churches. Sometimes a little angel, who used to take Holy Communion diligently, turns into a grown up scoundrel, who abuses his [often single] mother and flouts everything dear and important to her. Why does this happen?[1] The mother regularly brought her child to church and prayed for him constantly. Every priest knows many similar stories and has prepared answers well in advance, for these questions are asked far too often. Can priests’ families serve as an example of proper upbringing? No. This problem affects clergy and their families too, even if they tried hard to do everything right. That is why we should seek a solution without blaming the time or the coming Antiсhrist. The foundation of one’s soul goes back to childhood, therefore all the reasons for the following teenage loss of faith should be sought there as well. Even though nowadays everyone is on their own and has to fight this battle alone, we can help teenagers to make the right choice.

What sort of time do we live in? In the past it was almost impossible to meet anyone who was brought up in the church. Today, a strikingly large number of people from churchgoing families would like to have a job in church. Nobody would ever have believed it, say, 20 years ago. It seems like people got permission to go to church only recently; however, there is a whole new generation of churchgoers and the next one is coming up. Thus, we cannot blame the time but only ourselves.

What exactly is our fault? Let us start from the very beginning – children’s Holy Communion. An infant of the age of one or two should be brought to the church for Holy Communion as often as possible (even though, as Anna Galperina has pointed out, that can be a challenge). It is advisable to bring a child to take Holy Communion at least once a month or even more often.[2] Mothers have to forget about their own prayers, as arriving to church with a child in time for Holy Communion is a difficult task. Those who manage to get ready on time are often unable to endure a whole liturgy with the child. One cannot ask a stranger or even an acquaintance to babysit their infant while praying in the church. In reality, parents have to take turns to look after the baby: only one parent can stay inside and join the prayers, while the other has to be outside with a pram. Not all churches have room for changing, washing and feeding infants. It is even more difficult to take part in prayers if there is more than one child. However, infancy is a very important time for all children. It is when a baby gets used to taking Holy Communion.

Now let us talk about children at the age of two or older. Is it acceptable to force a child to take Holy Communion? I can offer detailed instructions on how to make your child take Holy Communion (all experienced priests can do it so long as they have help of deacons and subdeacons). First, hold the child’s hands tight (or better yet, tie them). Second, try to open the child’s mouth. Third, cover the child’s mouth with a cloth immediately after, so that the Holy Communion is not spat out. It is better to hold the child down with the help of two or three people. Doesn’t it remind you of something? It reminds you of what they did to people in concentration camps or in the 18th century communities of Old Believers.

I do my best not to force children to take Holy Communion.[3] A child who has been forced to take Holy Communion may never want to take it again and will scream and cry in front of the Holy Chalice. It is better not to provoke a sacrilege. I strongly advise taking time to prepare your child for Holy Communion. It would be helpful to bring the child to the church when a fair number of children of his or her age are taking Holy Communion, so that the child can observe and learn. It is easier to take Holy Communion with other children. It is very important to talk to your child and try to explain the meaning of Holy Communion in simple words. Children should get used to the church. They should not be scared of church. It is better if they know not only how to light a candle but can also make friends with other children. That way they will come to church more willingly.

Why do children refuse to take Holy Communion? It is not that they have not been taught when they were younger or that they are too cautious or scared of priests, whom they often confuse with doctors and expect to be hurt by.[4] Sometimes a child who is used to taking Holy Communion will misbehave for no particular reason and refuse to receive Holy Communion. It might happen because of an unfamiliar church or a new priest. If a child screams in front of the Chalice I always ask the mother to stay and talk to me after the service. I do my best to explain that children are more connected with their mothers in their infancy than in their later years. That is why mothers should think of their own souls as well as the souls of their children.

There is a standard to-do list: have your house blessed, turn your TV off at least sometimes, do not listen to loud rock music, hug your child more often, lead a Christian life, set an example for your child how to receive Holy Communion. Do not smoke or drink. Live in peace and prayer, and so on and so forth. Advising others is easy; it is far more difficult to follow this advice. One should give manageable advice rather than preach in arrogance.

It is essential to talk to infants’ mothers. It would be extremely helpful to have a special organization or society for mothers, for when a woman becomes a mother she flourishes spiritually too. Often mothers start going to church because of their children. First, a friend advises them to bring their baby to Holy Communion, then they go to their first confession, and so on. However, sometimes mothers who bring their children to church are not even baptized and often think it unnecessary.[5] They take sacraments for magic rituals – one must perform them so that their child will stay healthy. That is where priests should step in. It might be useful to recall a medieval practice when parents fully prepared themselves for receiving Holy Communion by praying and fasting instead of their child (this tradition has been kept by Old Believers). I think today’s mothers should know about this tradition so that they can understand how closely the spiritual health of the child is linked to the spiritual health of the mother.

The main task with children aged two or above is to rectify whatever mistakes or omissions were made earlier. However, here comes the question about receiving Holy Communion consciously. One of the main reasons for a child’s loss of faith in later years remains their parents’ lack of real spiritual life. But how should one help a child to get ready for Holy Communion?

Because of parents’ negligence, children, after having played for hours outside the church, often continue their games in front of the Chalice, pushing others away, screaming and laughing. Priests try to speak to the parents about how important it is to prepare their children for the church and Holy Communion. However, these talks often bring no result.

While children are playing outside the church, their parents are inside, praying. They are tired of children and want to get some rest at least during the service. They can’t make their children stand still next to them. To solve this problem it is necessary to have a few people who would look after children while their parents are attending the service. These people will be responsible for the children playing on the playground near the church.[6] Parents can take their children inside the church for Holy Communion, although sometimes helpers bring all children together to a special “children’s” Chalice. The patriarch has recommended following the Western practice and keeping the children in a separate room during services. Ideally, this room should have a transparent wall as well as speakers, so that children can see and hear everything happening in the church. In this situation they themselves cannot be seen or heard and the service is not disturbed. Of course they should be engaged in something “appropriate”[7].[8] Then children can join in singing the Creed or “Our Father”, can take some time to calm down, pray and prepare themselves for Holy Communion. This approach is not perfect, but as of today this seems to be the only way to solve the “children” situation in churches.[9]

The most “devout” parishioners are strongly against having “play” rooms. They insist that children cannot receive Holy Communion unless they have been present in the church for the whole service. I think they speak out of arrogance. Of course there are children who are used to praying with adults. For those children a playroom would be a serious temptation. But we have to choose the bad between the bad and the worse.[10] A playroom will be useful for the majority of children, as well as their parents. As Anna Galperina said, we cannot turn all children into “little monks”. Even very religious families often encounter problems when trying to make a child of a certain age stand still for an hour. It is because of the character and nature of children, not “devil’s work”, as is often suggested by church babushki. Even for an adult standing upright for a whole service is often difficult. When forced to attend the service, children upset the order of the service and distract everyone. Therefore, it is impossible to have a “perfect picture” with or without children at the service, and we have to deal with what we’ve got.

Nevertheless, it is important to teach children how to pray in church. That would be one of the playroom’s duties. Children would learn to concentrate and focus on a prayer. However, this should start at home, with morning and evening prayers. That is what I wanted to say about church services. Now I would like to talk about what should be done at home.

How should a child fast, if at all? Opinions vary. Some people think that children should not fast as it ruins their childhood, whereas others suggest that children fast as strictly as adults. In any case, everyone agrees that there is no simple answer to this serious and difficult question.

However, I think I might have an answer (and many priests would agree with me on this): do not force your child to fast or pray. It is crucial to cultivate the child’s desire to do so. I understand that it is very difficult to teach that. Frankly speaking, over almost 20 years of my priesthood, I have never met a single child who was taught by the parents to pray and fast willingly. Perhaps we can find such examples only in the lives of saints. No one can ask parents to raise saints. Besides, do you know many adults who managed to have such longing for prayer and fasting?

Unfortunately, there are children who can fake these feelings. They know how to please their parents and try everything to do so. Often parents choose not to notice that their child’s willingness to pray or fast is not entirely sincere and think it is genuine piety. Children want to please their parents because they are often rewarded with a present or even just a smile.[11] Children learn how to do get what they want very early – at the age of 3 and even younger – and we often teach them that ourselves, as it is an easier way to deal with them. Both parties play this game for a while, but later on it always turns into revolt and spite.

Is violence the only option? Perhaps, to prepare children for receiving Holy Communion you will have to force them to do certain things. That is why you have to be extra cautious and make sure that all your actions are well thought through and harmless. Otherwise, your child will deny not only your authority but the authority of the Church as well. Real piety always starts with the grace of God. However, one can teach a child to be diligent, brave, faithful and patient, as well as to follow certain rules.

It is very important that children understand why they need to do all these things – to pray and fast just as their parents and other adults do. Parents should help children to learn a bit of theology too, of course as much as children can comprehend. If children make an effort to prepare themselves for Holy Communion (even if it is just giving up a morning candy!), then they will have greater appreciation of it. The best way to involve your child into religious life is to have a real Christian family and try hard to be good Christians ourselves. The family is the child’s only environment for the first few years and we should make sure it is friendly and proper. However, sooner or later, we will have to teach children to lead a Christian life of their own.

Psychologists say that children start to think of themselves as a person at the age of three, that is, when they rebel and do everything exactly the opposite way you want them to. Sometimes one can see the so-called “pious” rebellion, when a child refuses to do anything like the parents but wants to do everything the way it is done in the church. Of course this situation should be taken into careful consideration. Prayer or church attendance should never be used as punishment. On the contrary, if children misbehave themselves, one can exclude them from the common prayer at home or refuse to bring them to Holy Communion. In that case, a child will try to get what is not allowed. If you managed to overcome this crisis, than a child will have a personal reason to go to the church. Personal interests last much longer.

Every child has a spirit of rebellion. Playing with peers, children learn to control their desires, passions and future temptations. Holy Communion should be the main goal in the process of their growing up. Children always have their own image of being brave. Why not transmit it into religious life?[12]

Raising children spiritually always turns into our own upbringing. They start teaching us how to pray, fast and communicate with God. We all share a path towards heaven – my child, God and I. We must attentively help children to grow and master every level towards God. The results of this cooperation will be amazing. I know one child who gave up eating meat and fish not because he became an ascetic but because he took pity on poor animals. We should try to use this first awkward attempt to love God’s creatures to the child’s best or, at least, never spoil it.

To be continued.